Wild + Free
"Do not resent your place in the story. Do not imagine yourself elsewhere. Do not close your eyes and picture yourself in a world without thorns, without shadows, without hawks. Change this world. Life is a weapon, a thing to be spent, a gift to be given to the weak, the lost, the weary."
- N. D. Wilson
This time four years ago, I was on the phone with my mum, excitedly confirming that I did, in fact, now "work" at at local shop. "I'm so excited to see the opportunities the Lord is going to work through this!" "Oh, yes!" she rejoiced with me, then stopped; because we both remembered. "It's going to be interesting- it's going to be strange- because you won't be around as much anymore." I remember my heart aching ever-so-slightly, because seventeen-year-old me felt it, little-by-little: my season of being and acting "as a child" much more easily slipping from my grasp.
This time three years ago, I was teaching full time. Working short hours at my first 'career' retail job mentioned above. Uncertain of my future, going through one of the worst heart pains I'd ever had in my life. Not quite sure where I was going. Even now looking back, I'd wish a good heart-struggle to anyone who can learn and grow from it - it woke me up at eighteen, helped me to stomp out some of my co-dependent nature, and figure out where I wanted to be.
This time two years ago... I'd focused. My restless heart had somewhat stilled. I knew what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Unfortunately, I just wasn't quite sure how to get there. I was nineteen, pretended to be grown up, and finally realized how real I actually could be. I gained my voice in the outside world. And after considerable prayer, I decided that, the following summer, I would be moving to New York to pursue my heart.
This time last year. Wow, where do I start. I realized how dependent I actually had become. How- well, complacent isn't the right word - but something similar. I was ready to go and make something of myself. September 1st, I hopped on a plane bound for NYC. I came back to the desert on September 7th, not quite with a spirit of defeat, but with a sudden fear in the core of my heart: were all people so deceitful? I had perhaps a dollar to my name, left all I had known, and determined to try to move back in November. No such thing.
I've named the last five journals in my life as if they were novels. I started the latest one in March, and called it wild and free. It's what I aspire to be. God doesn't call me to be still and small unless it's when I'm hearing Him. I know in my heart more and more that I have a voice, and I'm called to be fearless and to speak. So this year. This September. I'm teaching full time, on track with a record amount of students. I have three potential trips planned for the next twelve months to places I've yet only dreamed about going to. I'm pushing past my fear and heading back to a classroom (funny what some people call fears, eh?). I run two businesses, am working on starting a magazine, have worked more in the acting and modeling industry more this year than ever before, and already have multiple shoots scheduled over the next several months.
When we let go, He steps in and takes that control. And oh, how He blesses us.
My point is, autumn has always been the season for moving and shaking in my heart and world...what I like to call spiritual earthquakes. It may be that simply because this is the season in which my soul awakens.
I never realized how much of a "typical" young girl I can be seen as. I look forward to so many things: shoot days, days dedicated to simply writing my little screenplays, acting class, stylizing, days at home, learning new things, someday becoming a wife and mother; and I continually embrace future days- I love to look ahead and seize each spontaneous day that I can. But I forget the work that each day requires to become who He has called me to be. I guess that what I mean by that is, though I rejoice in the future with my actions, my heart still yearns to remain me in my soul; and I'm afraid that I won't stay "me."
A friend's comment a few months ago reminded me that I'm not to stay mereally struck a chord in my soul. Though I prayed for God to shut the door if He saw the need...He gave me the next step. I honestly don't know how I was going to write or even end this. I think I just need to get some thoughts out in writing. And the fact that I'm not quite sure where He plans to take me next..means implicit trust and surrender. blessed.